5 Ways You Can Save the Environment

by Gnick Lundholm

1. Hug a tree: Trees supply us with oxygen, not to mention a million other things made from their dried, chopped up flesh. Also their infant children taste good, and some species have reproductive organs that look pretty and smell nice in springtime. What better reasons are there to love these majestic, useful, cuddly plants.

Trees make wonderful companions. They are warm and caring, play chess well and are stimulating conversationalists. Why stop at hugging? You could kiss your tree. You could hold hands with your tree. You could go on moonlight walks with it, buy it flowers, buy it candy, buy it automobiles. You could take it to an overlook with a breathtaking view, kneel down at its roots, and ask it to spend the rest of its life with you. You could mail it toenail clippings, dead rodents, and low power explosive devics when it leaves you for a plastic surgeon from Reno!

2. Save a whale: Why throw away a perfectly good whale after only one use when you can get a simple, reliable, reusable whale at your local hardware store. The average three ton whale toakes over eight years to decompose completely and valuable space in our landfills is take up by these large marine mammals, so do your part.

3. Conserve water: One simple way everyone can save water is to urinate in the sink. Normal toilets use around three gallons of water for every flush, and even dysfunctional, slightly neurotic toilets use at least one and a half gallons. The same basic effect can be achieved by pissing in the sink, and splashing water briefly around the sides. {Note: Solid wastes should still be disposed of in their regular receptacle}

4. Donate: I'm sure that all of you kind and generous readers can bear to part with a little cash. And one very worthy cause, which I am happy to endorse, is called Save Our Yogurt Slugs (SOYS). Yogurt slugs are small transluscent invertebrates which make their home in a variety of yogurt flavours and feed off of microorganisms called ynarks, which are especially abundant in lemon yogurt. Every year tens of thousands of innocent slugs are take from their homes during the yogurt harvest season, packaged, sold, and unwittingly eaten by the American consumer. SOYS is championing a proposed law, currently making its way through the Senate Subcommittee on Bovine Issues, which would make slug filters mandatory in all yogurt packaging plants. Slugs removed through these filters are to be reintroduced in the Maccis Yogurt Bogs National Park in California, where yogurt harvesting is illegal.

5. Styrofoam: Styrofoam is appallingly unfriendly to the environment. Its main use is the packaging material commonly known as "styrofoam peanuts." How, many conscientious peopl have asked, are we to dispose of this crap?! It is utterly useless unless you are in the habit of mailing small objects in large boxes. And now that they've come up with those water-soluble-cornstarch-based-non-styrofoam-peanuts its even worse because you feel obligated to send your packages in those as a courtesy. What do you do with them? Well, eat them, obviously! Why do you thing they're called peanuts? Honey-roasted styrofoam peanuts! A styrofoam peanut butter and jelly sandwich! What could be better?