Horoscopes

By Mademoiselle "The Body" Garber

Aries: Your life is meaningless. Go back to square one (It's in New Jersey)

Pisces: GO INTO THE LIGHT!

Aquarius: You will find inner peace through potted ferns.

Taurus: Open the dictionary. The first word that you see is the key to happiness.

Leo: Monarch of the castle; that's you. Count your gold pieces and hang your peasants.

Cancer: You are literally a disease. Cure thyself.

Capricorn: Slaughter someone evil, then reflect on it.

Gemini: Mushrooms, mushrooms everywhere, and sadly, none hallucinogenic.

Sagittarius: Go on a pilgrimage to Disney World and find your inner Mr. Toad.

May 20th birhtday: Happy Birthday!

Today's Birthday: Screw You!