Horoscopes

Aries: You are destined for greatness and misery. Just repeat after me--Pain is good for art....

Taurus: You need a change of scenery, quit your current position and become a prostitute.

Gemini: On your way to recycle this copy of "Dr. Plagiarist," (online delete it from your history list) you will encounter a tall dark stranger. Stay away, all that they want is to bite your ankles.

Cancer: Within the next week you will kill you brother's girlfriend after you hear her say "I don't get it" one too many times during "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead." Sweet revenge.

Leo: Your virtual pet is ravid, and needs to be shot.

Virgo: This may sound cliche` for a horoscope, but watch out, the gods WILL smite you with banana peels.

Libra: The next time your sister looses a finger, avoid dishes that your father makes involving SPAM.

Scorpio: The $5.00 shake you will get at a Moxy Fruvous concert is more than milk and ice cream!

Sagittarius: The next time you get a flat tire, remember the friendly castle down the road!

Carpricorn: You are an arrogant bastard, you care only for yourself, and never remember deadlines.

Pieces: Never mind what it smells like, you're in love. If not you'll always have Paris.

Aquarius: The end is near, so stay inside and listen to German punk music and Les Miserables. Your lucky numbers are 701 and 24,601.